A place where all you can do is sit and stare into a white wall for hours and do nothing but stare and cry. That is if you manage to get out of bed in the first place! Where you feel like nothing matters and you might as well just jump off a bridge and fall into a deeper place of nothingness. Where trying to deciding weather to shower or not is enough to through you off for days and keeps you in bed. Where everything seems so hopeless that you wonder why you’re even still alive. Where your nightmares become so bad that you don’t want to sleep because of the horrible images you see when you close your eyes. Yes, I’ve been there..
Believe it or not but I’ve actually been there TWICE!!!
The first time I was 17 though I remember it as was it yesterday! I was on the bus, on my way to work. I was staring out the window and all the sudden I had an image of me being sexually abused when I was younger, around 8-ish. I knew it wasn’t just something that I made up yet I was so confused as to why I would remember it NOW, out of nowhere. I immediately broke down and started crying. Not knowing what to do with myself I arrived at H&M where I worked. I was so out if it trying to explain what I had just seen and that I didn’t know what to do but working was the last thing I felt capable of.
I was then sent home and from that day, I started feeling a lot of pain related to childhood traumas that were no longer hidden deep within my subconscious but which were now at the forefront of my memory. Feeling the neglect from when my dad left when I was younger (the videos you’ve seen of me visiting my parents is my stepdad) and a bunch of other things that were revealed.
I didn’t wanna talk to my parents and I needed their consent to get a therapist as I was under 18. At this point I didn't get get the help that I needed. - I just dealt with it. I suppressed it. Buried it. I looked the other way for as long as I could like I did with so many other things in my past. I moved out of my parent house that year and lived on my own which I’ve done ever since!
I lived for the weekends like so many others. I drank my brains out Thursday - Saturday! I couldn’t sleep unless I had techno playing so loud that I could feel the bass in my bed. The techno kept the nightmares away so I could sleep.. I tried the ‘no-stress’ stuff and I would have the most horrible nightmares. If you ever wonder if music therapy is real. IT IS. And techno is what kept me alive as it was the ultimate way to numb me out. Sometimes we just need to do what is necessary to survive till we’re fully ready to look at the things that came up. I’m a big believer in music therapy and techno and rock I believe are vibrating a a level that keeps you from feeling. At least for me it is.
Today I can’t stand it. It makes me angry to listen to. I get anxious and frustrated unless I’m in a bad mood. Then i love it - it keeps me from feeling. (which I absolutely don't recommend, lol) The sad thing about this is that our emotions are like a compass! Showing us what and where to put our focus and attention to heal any wounds. Unfortunately we are brought up to believe that emotions are something to 'get over' when we're feeling something 'negative'..
I'd encourage you to instead FEEL that feeling, what IS that sadness or anger? What is your body telling you to look at? Embrace and immerse yourself in those emotions and learn from them.. After all, they are there to tell you something, you just have to surrender & listen.. Do not ignore or try to 'get over' it.
But to get back on track of this blog.. I drank, I partied, had horrible boyfriends, was dumbing myself down to fit it, which is another blog in itself. After 5 years of this lifestyle I kinda ‘woke up’ and realized that I couldn't keep up with it. The sad part was that all the ‘friends’ I had were all about the parties and drinking and living for the weekend and they didn't seem to have any desire to change that. I stuck through it but I wasn’t happy.. I had nothing in common with my ‘friends’ but I didn’t know how to find any new ones. When I was 22 I met this guy who became my boyfriend at the time. With him I pulled myself out of the darkness and I couldn’t believe that it was true. We moved to Copenhagen together and I had dropped out of the school I went to because I knew I went there just to be doing something. I started working and it was great...better than ever before. This guy was into health and spirituality just like I was. We had things in common and like I said. It was almost too good to be true.
BUT THEN… somehow my body started responding in a way of ‘oh, you’re doing so good, guess what…once agin it’s time to look at all that stuff you suppressed’ and so it ALL came back… I started having anxiety about going to work and ended up where I started this blog. The deep dark hole of depression, only worse than ever before.. This one I couldn't ignore, suppress or dig back into my subconscious. This one lasted for about a year. I had the worst anxiety ever and didn’t want to walk outside the door. I could barely pull myself together to shower. Facebook became a tool for me to pretend like everything was great as I had an image to maintain - or so I thought. I din't want people to see the real me.
At the end of this year I ended up taking a trip to Turkey with one of my best friends and it was the best thing I ever did for myself even though my boyfriend at the time hated the idea. And even though I had anxiety about the money and not being able to afford it, I didn’t care, I needed this trip for ME and it was the biggest catalyst for my recovery. I ended up splitting up with the guy as we both had our struggles and we just weren't meant to work on ourselves together. A while after the breakup I decided to message a group of guys that I followed on YouTube and was to find out that they had a retreat in NY 2 weeks from that! I had a lot of rationalizations and excuses as to why I wouldn't go (money, timing, money, money etc) but deep down I knew from watching their videos that ‘I NEED THIS’! So I borrowed al the money I could from friends and family and I left. Packing my stuff in my friends basement saying ‘I’ll be back in a month or so’ which then turned into a year and from then, I think most of you know the story. If not, read this blog.
My point of this blog is to share the darkness that I went through and what kept me going was believing that ONE DAY, it will all be better. So if you feel like you are in a dark place when you're reading this, this is me telling you that IT WILL ALL be better ❤ That said, you HAVE to do something for yourself, even if you try and rationalize finances and timing and what not. I never did anything for myself and was always busy trying to maintain a surface level of nothing but AWESOME and EPIC appearances because I didn't want people to see me for who I was or what I was going through. This did nothing but put me in an even darker place. It wasn't until I switched my thought patterns and did something for myself, did I actually started feeling better. MUCH better.
It's easy for people to say oh depression is just emotions turned inwards and 'just express yourself' and get up and do something, etc. But I do actually have a pretty good understanding of this situation as I’ve been there.. TWICE! And I really have to say that any struggle you experience is really all about perception.
Embrace the contrast that life is throwing at you and understand that the deeper you are buried the more beautiful the light will shine for you. Without this contrast, how are you to understand just HOW amazing life can be? I consider myself blessed. To have been in that place and to see how amazing things are today. I’m not sure I would fully see the beauty to the extend that I do if it wasn’t for the darkness I experienced. If you don’t know white, how do you know what black is? Be grateful for being able to see both sides and becoming an expert in this field while realizing that you want something much better and completely opposite for yourself and then getting just that! Nothing will last forever. Not your joy, not your sorrows. It will all pass.
YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL
(I have to add that after hitting rock bottom the second time, I received all the help I needed from a very talented therapist and spiritual teacher.)